Officers of the Order

The Order maintains a small number of offices, each with a title of some grandeur and duties that can usually be carried out without getting up. Officers are not elected. An office falls to whichever member happens to be performing its duties when somebody else notices. The names of the holders are known only to the members, and the Order sees no reason to change this.

The Grand Master of the Sofa

Presides over sessions from the middle cushion, which is theirs by right. Opens each session with the motto and may, in extraordinary circumstances, suggest that the conversation return to its original subject. No Grand Master has yet found the circumstances extraordinary enough. Insignia: a cushion, worn under the arm

The Keeper of the Teapot

Has charge of the tea, its brewing, its temperature and its distribution. Holds the right to delay any session until the water has boiled, and exercises it freely. Insignia: a tea towel, worn over the shoulder

The Warden of the Cushions

Assigns seating, restores cushions to their proper places and settles disputes over the lower cushion, about which see the account of the Order's origins. Insignia: none, since it is usually under somebody

The Herald of Digression

Watches every conversation for the danger of a conclusion and, when one approaches, introduces a new and wholly unrelated topic. It is the most demanding office in the Order and the most admired. Insignia: a raised forefinger

The Keeper of the Unstarted

Holds custody of every plan, project and good intention that the Order has approved. The collection is large and in excellent condition, none of it having been used. Insignia: a folder, never opened

The Remembrancer

Charged with recalling what was said at previous sessions. Since notes are not taken, the Remembrancer relies on memory, and since memory is unreliable, every recollection becomes the starting point of a fresh discussion. Insignia: a knot tied in a ribbon, the reason for which has been forgotten

The Usher of the Biscuits

Ensures that biscuits are present, offered in proper order of seniority and not finished before the Grand Master has had one. Insignia: a tin, usually empty

Honorary Conversationalists

Members of long standing who hold no particular office but are recognised for distinguished service to the art of saying a great deal. They may speak at any point, and generally do.

Offices not listed here are held informally and change hands whenever someone stands up.